Just a thought.

Do you know what's sad?
How it is so easy to pretend to be happy, even when you're falling apart.
But do you know what's even worse?
When the people who love you the most can't even see through your mask.

            Have you ever felt like you always screw everything up? Or that no matter how much somebody means to you, you always let them slip through your fingers? I do. No matter how hard I try, my fear always seems to conquer my bravery, Especially when it comes to relationships. If I let a person get too close to my heart, it scares me. Why? Because in the past, whenever I’ve let someone get that close, all they’ve done is break it. I don’t date very many people because of it. I’ve been through it all. They break up with you for someone prettier than you are, or someone who puts out. Yes, I had a guy dump me because I didn’t want to sleep with him. I once fell for my best friend, who said he loved me, only for him to say forget it when someone better came along. I’ve had multiple guys tell me how beautiful I was and all that crap that they tell you until it comes down to actually committing to a relationship, and then they suddenly change their minds. Call me crazy, but I want to meet a guy who thinks poetically and does all that cheesy stuff, like write you poems, and sing you songs. The secret is, all of that cheesy stuff shows that they care, and means more than anything else. Those are the kind of things that show you who really care about you. If you’re reading this, because you know who you are, Last summer, he didn’t win. I never chose him. It was you all along, I just couldn’t make you see that. Yes, I was stupid. But it was only because I was scared of letting somebody in. I am scared to let you know exactly how I feel, because I don’t like the feeling of vulnerability that comes with it. I don’t like knowing that if I gave you my heart, the slightest little thing could break it, because heartbreak is not something I want to experience again. & most of all, I’m sorry.. And I wish there was a way we could make it work. I don’t care about the distance. I just care about you, to be honest. I’m also sorry it took too long for me to realize what mistake I was making, and I would give anything to go back and change it.

Sheilah Collette Prill

College, Church, and Ronan Keating (:

Hello Everybody (:

I hope you all had a fantastic weekend. I know mine wasn’t so bad, if I must say so. (: Besides not feeling well, I had a fantastic time.  I have discovered this weekend that I am very much in love with Ronan Keating. .. His music anyway. (: I am fairly new to it, but I have to say, that man is veryy talented. So, if you ever just feel like looking up some new music, he would probably be one of my first suggestions.

Anyway, I am glad to say that I have found my way back to church, on Sundays at least. Due to work, I usually am not able to make it on Wednesday nights. But, It’s nice. I’ve always loved going to church, ever since I was a little girl. Though, I still do not plan on getting baptized. I believe in God. I have my beliefs, but I do not believe that I have to specify what church I belong to in order to be a Christian. But, I do enjoy church, and am happy to have made it back.

Well, I have officially received my Acceptance letter to Pittsburg State University! I am very excited, and I cannot wait until the fall. I didn’t realize how much stress an acceptance letter could relieve. It feels as if I’ve been waiting forever. Though, the weather hasn’t exactly been great lately. I think Saturday was the first day the mail has come in almost 2 weeks. But, it is all okay now that I finally got my letter. (: Though, I still have my audition in 2 weeks. If I do okay then, I’ll be all set. Wish me luck!

Well, I have been spending a lot of time thinking lately. Big surprise, right? But Now that I am going to be on my own and all that, it’s rather frightening. It seems that all of it is coming all at once. Which, it really is. Not to say that I am not excited, but I wish I could have prepared for what it was actually going to feel like. I mean, in 6 months, no more mommy & daddy to rely on. I will be able to start my own career, or the classes the get me there anyway. It is all so sudden. I will be paying for everything, by myself.. Though, I have had some practice with that already. I was raised well. My parents have paid for most of my food, and my bills. But I have always paid for my own gas for my car, and just about everything else. Which, I did not always like, but I guess they had a good idea when it comes down to it. But, enough of that. I am officially college bound (:

Well, as everyone has already figured out, tomorrow is valentines day. Personally, I could do without. I am not really a fan of having a day celebrating love and couples when not everyone in the world has that special somebody. It is kind of a slap in the fact to those of us single people. So, I think they should have a singles awareness day. (: It sounds like a good plan to me, anyway.

So, Unfortunately, I’m back to one of my insomniatic cycles. Fortunately, this does not happen ALL the time, but unfortunately, it still happens. I go through cycles. For a while, I will be able to sleep normally. And then, for a stretch of time, I get to the point where I either do not sleep, or I sleep maybe an hour or so a night. And unfortunately, it is one of those times. I think I have slept a totally of 8 hours all week? I am not a fan of this. I do not know how people can do this all the time. It would definitely kill me.

So, tomorrow is the first day back to school. Although, some of us, or should I say the majority of us, have forgotten what school is necessarily. We have only been in school a weeks worth of classes in the past 3 weeks. That is crazy! I think they should just let seniors out early : P But, the good news is, Spring is around the corner! It is supposed to be in the 60s this week, and in the 70s by next week! That is my kind of weather. I am completely ready to wear shorts and cute little sundresses, and bathing suits. I miss the weather where I could take my book, and lay on my dock by the lake for hours and get a tan… Without freezing my butt off! Hopefully, it will be that way before long (:

But, that is all for tonight. Even if I cannot sleep, I have to try, or I will die in classes tomorrow. God bless everybody!

 Sheilah(:

Snow Day(:

Well, it looks like all of us here in Arkansas are having a hard time remembering what school is, for tomorrow will be snow day #10. I don't know about everybody else, but I feel as if I haven't been to school at all this semester.

Today, though, was better. I was able to actually get out and do something. See, I have one of those driveways that are impossible to access in the snow and ice. But, luckily, Chaz and his family kidnapped me for a day for of sledding and good food. (:

     One thing I have realized lately is that people don't take the time to let people know how much they mean to them, how much they appreciate them. Especially me. I am very bad at not sharing my feelings with anybody, until it's too late, that is. I don't know why, It's just a fault of mine, I suppose. It's something I am working on fixing.

     I have decided that I don't want to live my life in fear.. My whole life, I've been scared to take chances, in the instance that I could get hurt, which has happened numerous times. Even when it's not a person who does it. I gave my heart away once, to my best friend. I was young, young enough where most people wouldn't count it as a relationship. But, it was. But, even in that instance, I had to move away, and my heart hurt just as bad as it has in some "break-ups." It's been hard to hand somebody my heart, because it gets hurt unintentionally as well as not. Like, 2 summers ago, for instances. There was a kid, he was an exchange student. We hadn't known each other for an excessive amount of time, but those couple of weeks were the best couple of weeks of my life. & I never got to thank him for that. But, I didn't let myself get attached and have as much fun as I would have, because I knew he was leaving. Today, I wish I would have. After being hurt too many times to count, I didn't know it was possible to feel that again. Pathetic, I know. But, I have been proven wrong. This past summer is a perfect example of that..

But again, I messed it up, in fear of feeling that vulnerable feeling that, for some reason, I am so afraid of..
     But, as of today, and forward, I am just going to go with it. I shouldn't have to miss out on those types of experiences because I could get hurt. Everyone gets hurt. It's half the fun of finding that right person, so I've heard. You just don't realize it at the time.
     Another thing that has become clear to me lately, is that this is that point in my life where we realize who are true friends are, and who are not. Who will stick with you through the good and the bad, and those that will not. If you know someone who puts you through hell, but you deal with it anyway, because you care about them in any way.. don't. I say this from experience. Nothing can ever get better until you let that person go. It may be the hardest thing you've ever had to  do, but you cannot make others happy if you are not happy yourself. You cannot live miserably so someone else can live happy.
    So, my pact with myself is to be myself. & not be ashamed of doing so. The people that really matter, are the ones who love me for me. & The same goes for everyone out there.
     So, for anyone who cares:

I am insecure at times.
I am a dreamer and a hopeless romantic, and proud of it. (:
I WILL become a professional musician. Anyone who doubts me, you just watch me go.
I am against violence, against war.
I love to read.
I am inspired by silly things, like thunderstorms and the stars. <3
I do not have the best self esteem, and do not think I am beautiful, but I know who I am.
I stand up for what I believe in, and will fight for it all.
Individuality is the most important thing in this world.
I am scared of dying alone,
and have abandonment issues.
I often feel invisible.
I love learning new things, and find most things completely fascinating.
I love to sing, but I do not believe I am any good at it.
I love to write.
I am addicted to tea, of any kind. Especially rasberry<3
and Coca Cola, in glass bottles.
I LOVE Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia Ice Cream. If I'm upset, hand me some of that and I'll be just fine (;
I cry at cheesy movies.
I want to travel the world.
Ludwig Van Beethoven is my Hero [:
Mozart comes in a close second.
I love history.
Psychology is extremely interesting.
I am usually honest about how I feel, if you can get me to tell you.
I am a very private person, in a sense that I don't like telling people every detail about everything in my life.
I am scared to fall in love, in fear of not being loved in return.
I believe in God, but can be
 a skeptic.
Music is my life.
I love big Cities.
And Ireland.
& Europe for that matter. (:
I love the rain, and can be found the happiest during Thunderstorms <3
I am strongly attached to a guy that lives thousands of miles from me, that I've only met a few times.
I LOVE the Celtic Culture. Everything about it.
I know that someday, I'll find somebody who loves me for all of these things.

& appreciates them.

Love,

A look inside of myself..

Well, This is my first blog(:

I'm still trying to get used to the site, so bear with me..

Well, for those of you who don't know me, my name is Sheilah.

I am starting this blog just for fun. To vent, you know? It's easier sometimes to just write, and let things out.
Hopefully I'll *meet* some new people, and get to share my story with them.
For starters,
     I am a musician. I play the Clarinet full time, but I own many instruments. I cannot play all of them, yet. But I plan to. Music is my passion. I will be going to college in the fall to study music performance, composition, and education. I wish I could do it all, for I have fallen in love with every aspect of music, whether it be listening to it, studying the culture & history behind it, writing it, or even playing it. I love it all. Performing is my favorite thing to do. On stage, I feel at home. I feel important. & I have the opportunity to reach out to people in a way that cannot always be done with words. That's the joy of it. Music is amazing that way. It is universal, and it can litterally speak to you.

     My grandfather first introduced me to the Saxophone, for it is his favorite instrument, and one of mine as well. It is a beautiful instrument, and I own my tenor. But, my collection will not be complete without an alto and a soprano. (: The soprano sax is my absolute favorite.

     I guess you could say that I'm ordinary. But, the fact is, there is no ordinary. Everyone is their own unique person. I am different than the people I know in many different aspects. I, for one, and a hopeless romantic. & a dreamer. My goals and desires in life are realistic, but they're hard to achieve. I set high expectations of myself, and am dissapointed if I am anything less.
     I love people, but I hate the things people can do. I cannot stand people who make fun of another, for any reason at all. They have no excuse. It shouldn't be done. I hurts people. Besides, who are we to decide what is ordinary and what is not?
     Well, I guess that's all for now. I'm going on 1am here. (: Goodnight everybody.


~Sheilah Collette