Today, though, was better. I was able to actually get out and do something. See, I have one of those driveways that are impossible to access in the snow and ice. But, luckily, Chaz and his family kidnapped me for a day for of sledding and good food. (:
One thing I have realized lately is that people don't take the time to let people know how much they mean to them, how much they appreciate them. Especially me. I am very bad at not sharing my feelings with anybody, until it's too late, that is. I don't know why, It's just a fault of mine, I suppose. It's something I am working on fixing.
I have decided that I don't want to live my life in fear.. My whole life, I've been scared to take chances, in the instance that I could get hurt, which has happened numerous times. Even when it's not a person who does it. I gave my heart away once, to my best friend. I was young, young enough where most people wouldn't count it as a relationship. But, it was. But, even in that instance, I had to move away, and my heart hurt just as bad as it has in some "break-ups." It's been hard to hand somebody my heart, because it gets hurt unintentionally as well as not. Like, 2 summers ago, for instances. There was a kid, he was an exchange student. We hadn't known each other for an excessive amount of time, but those couple of weeks were the best couple of weeks of my life. & I never got to thank him for that. But, I didn't let myself get attached and have as much fun as I would have, because I knew he was leaving. Today, I wish I would have. After being hurt too many times to count, I didn't know it was possible to feel that again. Pathetic, I know. But, I have been proven wrong. This past summer is a perfect example of that..
But again, I messed it up, in fear of feeling that vulnerable feeling that, for some reason, I am so afraid of.. But, as of today, and forward, I am just going to go with it. I shouldn't have to miss out on those types of experiences because I could get hurt. Everyone gets hurt. It's half the fun of finding that right person, so I've heard. You just don't realize it at the time.
Another thing that has become clear to me lately, is that this is that point in my life where we realize who are true friends are, and who are not. Who will stick with you through the good and the bad, and those that will not. If you know someone who puts you through hell, but you deal with it anyway, because you care about them in any way.. don't. I say this from experience. Nothing can ever get better until you let that person go. It may be the hardest thing you've ever had to do, but you cannot make others happy if you are not happy yourself. You cannot live miserably so someone else can live happy.
So, my pact with myself is to be myself. & not be ashamed of doing so. The people that really matter, are the ones who love me for me. & The same goes for everyone out there.
So, for anyone who cares:
I am insecure at times.
I am a dreamer and a hopeless romantic, and proud of it. (:
I WILL become a professional musician. Anyone who doubts me, you just watch me go.
I am against violence, against war.
I love to read.
I am inspired by silly things, like thunderstorms and the stars. <3
I do not have the best self esteem, and do not think I am beautiful, but I know who I am.
I stand up for what I believe in, and will fight for it all.
Individuality is the most important thing in this world.
I am scared of dying alone,
and have abandonment issues.
I often feel invisible.
I love learning new things, and find most things completely fascinating.
I love to sing, but I do not believe I am any good at it.
I love to write.
I am addicted to tea, of any kind. Especially rasberry<3
and Coca Cola, in glass bottles.
I LOVE Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia Ice Cream. If I'm upset, hand me some of that and I'll be just fine (;
I cry at cheesy movies.
I want to travel the world.
Ludwig Van Beethoven is my Hero [:
Mozart comes in a close second.
I love history.
Psychology is extremely interesting.
I am usually honest about how I feel, if you can get me to tell you.
I am a very private person, in a sense that I don't like telling people every detail about everything in my life.
I am scared to fall in love, in fear of not being loved in return.
I believe in God, but can be
a skeptic.
Music is my life.
I love big Cities.
And
&
I love the rain, and can be found the happiest during Thunderstorms <3
I am strongly attached to a guy that lives thousands of miles from me, that I've only met a few times.
I LOVE the Celtic Culture. Everything about it.
I know that someday, I'll find somebody who loves me for all of these things.
& appreciates them.
Love,
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